5 Things He Must Feel To Fall In Love

Want to be in love forever?

If so, you first need to know how to recognize the real thing. Since often, it’s the woman who sees it, before the man.

As a relationship expert & love coach, I’ve found the primary indicator of real love is when your body, your heart & your mind all converge on the same undeniable truth: this man was made for you. There’s also an unflinching awareness that you were made for him. Basically, if you would bet your life (and his) that no other woman could ever love him better than you, then you’ve found the One.

But, let me warn you…Love is not easy. Once the starry-eyed phase has progressed into the inevitable power-struggle, that’s when the real work begins. But it’s good work, and it provides the most direct access to intimacy. Relationships are the most intense personal growth workshops that exist. They’re the places you dive deep into your darkest shadow work. Love is not for the faint-hearted; it’s a gladiator sport. And that’s why I’m such champion for the highest, most resilient form possible, True Love.

6 things he must feel to fall in love

You need a relentless, unshakable force strong enough to keep you doing the intense self-inquiry required to make a partnership effective, long term. Your partner, if right, becomes a mirror for your magnificence and your myopias. A long-term relationship demands that you die-into a more expansive version of you, and it can be terrifying (to your status-quo self). Only True Love is strong enough to withstand the uncontrollable urge to run, to leave when it gets too hard.

And that is the point. Love is a sacred crucible for self-actualization. I believe it’s our fastest access to transformation. This game is about rolling up your sleeves and getting down to those wounded areas in the basement of your psyche that you’ve been avoiding your whole life.

Here are some common reasons why you may not have found lasting love or marriage…yet. Listen for which statement(s) might apply to you:

  •  You treat men as if they’re more important or less important than you (both are equally dangerous & produce the same result, ie: he doesn’t feel met)
  • You believe someone should love you ‘just the way you are’ instead of seeking a partner who will stand for your greatest self
  • You want to be rescued –physically, financially, emotionally, intellectually
  • You’re riddled by shame, fear & hopelessness, you think true love is a fantasy that doesn’t exist
  • You’re desperately attached to being married with kids by a certain date, and looking for a good enough husband. Being in love is less important that being married
  • You’re unwilling to look at your own patterns that interfere with true intimacy
  • You’re ashamed of sexuality and have loads of unexplored guilt around it
  • You’re disconnected from your feelings & don’t share them openly with yourself or partner
  •  You’re addicted to control and secretly want to have more power than he does
  • You’ve forgotten you’re a goddess, a creatrix and a high priestess deserving of love. If you don’t know you’re a Queen, you’ll never find your King

These are the unproductive beliefs I had once, and often find in my female clients. If any of these statements resonated for you, pay close attention to the rest of this article. If you don’t get these identified and handled, you may keep doing the same things over and over and never find your life partner, or worse…you’ll find a good enough guy, but you won’t be “in love” and the romance will eventually dissolve leaving you feeling alone & disillusioned.

If you want to have your dream guy fall in love and stay with you forever, he has to experience the following 5 things first

1) You as THE safest place for him to go on the planet: Your arms, your eyes, your lap, those have to be a refuge for him. It can be a scary world to your partner’s inner child. If he doesn’t feel safe in your presence, he will not choose to build a life there, you can never be ‘home’.  However, if you become the safest place on the planet for his heart’s secret needs; he will never leave. You’ll continue to win over every other woman. Wherever his novelty-seeking eyes wander, he’ll always be called back to you.

2) He wants to feel like a hero: This requires you to surrender to his strengths, wherever they are. Men want to feel trusted by their woman, that’s what they interpret as love.  This means you must learn to lean into his unique wisdom, his power and his support. Trust is not earned, it can only be granted. Believe in his desire to serve you, nourish you and push you toward your wants. Look for the hero in your partner, acknowledge, revere  & appreciate that aspect. Men fall in love with the woman who lets him be her hero.

3) He wants to feel praised, NOT put down:  With your partner, reward good behavior & ignore bad behavior. What you put your attention on grows -it doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative attention. Do not use leverage, criticism or manipulation to get what you want, rather invite a new behavior by making requests laced with trust & desire. This is the feminine way to influence, seduce rather than coerce. Men hunger to be acknowledged for specific things and in public if possible. Also notice how your ego may hold you back from sharing empowering, affirming feedback with your man, as an attempt to maintain leverage & power. Power is not the currency of true love, open-hearted transparency is.

4) He wants to have a great sex life: Keep developing yourself and your sexuality so that you and him can have a non-shameful, exciting sex life. The litmus test of a relationship working long-term is their sex life. Sex makes or breaks relationships. Like food, it’s not a luxury, it’s a staple and must be made a priority. If you want a guy to choose you to sleep with for the rest of his life, you have to learn to enjoy sex, share your needs, wants & fantasies, and be open to hearing his. Constantly re-invent your sexuality together. Until these primal issues around sex & shame are explored openly with surgical sensitivity, they will haunt & undermine your relationship. 

5) He wants to hear your truth:  Share your fears, pain, desires and dreams with him; in particular show him your humanity. He’s looking for a place where all his emotions are safe to land. If you cannot own & express your own emotions, you definitely won’t be able to help him with his. For any relationship to really work, you have to get good at ‘feeling’ (not thinking what you feel but actually feeling sensations in your body, in your somatic space). Many men don’t know how to feel their feelings and they’re unconsciously looking to their woman to teach them. A man falls in love with the woman he feels most alive around. A woman creates a field of aliveness when she’s experiencing & expressing her emotion, without justification. Learn to identify, map & name your emotional states, then practice sharing them. This can be scary but it’s a crucial skill, if you want to connect with your partner’s heart.

Now that we’ve explored the main experiences needed for a partner to surrender, we shall invoke the last requirement of a love that lasts forever…Faith.

Having Faith

Faith is the umbilical cord that connects you and your lover to each other and romantic success. Faith has no reasons, proofs or justifications…it’s a blind resolve based on nothing but the unwavering belief in something you find true, good & beautiful. Faith requires an unreasonable audacity. It is something you create in yourself, by yourself. When you forget all the ‘reasons’ for your love or cannot feel the encouraging emotions in your body, faith is the only thing that keeps you going when the situation seems dark & hopeless. Cultivating faith is a muscle and it must be practiced individually and privately when doubt tries to creep in.

As a woman, you are the emotional leader in your relationship. Which is why it’s important to master these skills if you’re committed to a love that lasts. Some things cannot be learned, except through creation. I invite you to take on becoming a creator of love, even in the face of fear. True Love requires only one thing: that you believe in it. I know somewhere deep inside you is an ember that burns with the knowing that true love exists; let’s blow on that ember & make a fire that fuels your own private fairytale. You can never have what you don’t believe in. So believe.



  1. Annie,

    I absolutely love the advice here. These gems of helpful wisdom are so often forgotten in our quest for true love. My boyfriend and I have started looking at some of your videos (he is sometimes a tough cookie and I need to introduce new concepts gently to him).

    Thank you for your help. I will be looking to you in the future.


  2. Dear Annie: Your wisdom far exceeds your age. And your “5 things a man should feel to fall in love” made me think and thoroughly review my own flaws when dealing with men in the past. I so much appreciate your clarity and for setting the grounds for a long term relationship. In a world full of “liquid, fast love” your words of wisdom give hope, comfort and joy to those who, like me, believe that true love is a daily construction, a real adventure, that starts with the daily experience of loving oneself first. Thank you Annie! Mónica

  3. I broke up with the most amazing girl I have ever met because I never loved her. Could it be because we never had sex?

  4. This made me cry a sort of sad/joy if that makes sense. It all felt so true to my heart and i don’t feel that often. I have a hunger to understand myself, my wife, and to feed our deepest desires. I just wish i wasn’t such a freak nasty lol, and life really makes matters of the heart so complicated.

  5. Wow, just wow!

    I am saving this to show my new girlfriend. Believe me, as a man, this is exactly what I need and want. Every woman should read this and strive to understand.

    So…where is the other side. What does a woman need. Perhaps its already on the site. I’ll be searching for it. I want to be a better man for her.

  6. Amazing to read a woman that understands my soul. I thought at times that I was the odd man out, but obviously I’m not alone with these feelings. I agree with JR I’ll be looking for something as well written regarding a woman’s wants and needs.

  7. You are so right about every word … It’s like you writing my life story… Girls read deeply and follow her guidlines ..you shall be in heaven in no time…
    I read a lot around this subject.. And I can say this is the only right way

  8. As women, we just want to feel adored and protected. We want to hear the compliments. We need to hear and see it all. It’s amazing when a man shows how glad he is to serve us and demonstrate his skills to court us. Consistency with these small things goes a long way. Really boosts our feminine side. We want to hear how great we look even without makeup. Might seem superficial, but it really opens up our trust and confidence. When men boost our confidence, it boosts the relationship. I really love when my guy shows enthusiasm in helping me out. We want to feel welcomed in expressing ourselves without looking needy. Bottom line, women want all the things this article mentions. I hope this helps men understand just some of our needs and desires.

  9. As a guy I must confess that this is 100 percent accurate. Most things I’ve read online on how to sustain a healthy relationship are nowhere as near to the truth as what you’ve written. It’s amazing how you managed to sum up all of our primary desires into 5 bullet points, many of which I myself wasn’t aware of. My girlfriend luckily ticks most of these boxes. I wish there was a similar list for women so I can keep her as happy as she makes me.

  10. I love it. I saved this article as a favorite and titled it, in all caps, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Thank you for this.

  11. Thank you for the advice. I’m in a new relationship and I feel strongly in my heart that it will work. He on the other hand has had 3 failed relationships of which two were marriage. But I’m ok with that. The chemistry between us is wonderful. He works very hard at two jobs snd has a 12yr child so family obligation but I’m still willing to be patient. I think he feels I can’t even though I say I will. I really want this to work and I’m willing to stand the test of time with him. It’s this inner peace I feel when we’re together. Any suggestions?

  12. Oh no…I’m not a very strong minded female, but I like the advice given here but I was just looking for something to read.

  13. These are excellent tips to make him fall in love. The truth factor that you have mentioned is indeed an important point.You are absolutely correct in saying that he wants you to share your dreams, fear, emotions etc. Expressing the feelings and emotions is extremely important.

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