Welcome, Annie here. So glad to have you all in this training class. The plan is to go for an hour an a half with a ½ hr Q&A period at the end.
It’s really important for you to be focused. Let’s officially be on distraction alert. I’ve found my mind tends to wander at exactly the moment when what’s being said is most relevant to my pending transformation.
As I’m speaking, try to notice what your mind agrees with and what your mind disagrees with…we’re always judging & assessing. See if you can observe this process as it happens, it will be very powerful for you. Try this on…what if each time your mind tunes out, wanders or seeks distraction it’s actually trying to avoid seeing a hidden blind-spot, and this blind-spot is what’s keeping you back from getting the love you want. I invite you to be vigilant and observe how & when your mind welcomes or resists new ideas. How you do one thing is how you do everything, how you engage with this training reflects how you engage with your relationships. I encourage you to open your heart and be present.
TRANSCRIPT OF CALL BELOW
What You’ll Learn
So, it seems like we have over 170 ladies registered today , I take it all of you are serious about having love in your life. Yay!
First, I want to give you a quick heads up on what’s going down on this call today, we’re going to cover the following three aspects of romance:
- How to know if you’ve found the one, I mean really recognize your life partner as different from all the ‘practice’ relationships.
- How to attract HIM into your life and your heart by exposing and expressing your real desires & feelings
- And finally…how to create a relationship that stands out as not only the best relationship HE’S ever had, but the best he could imagine having. So much so, that he’s excited to commit and marry you.
I know that sounds like a lot of stuff, but I’m going to do my best to break it down to the simplest principles, so you can make this process happen for you, when you’re ready.
At the end of today’s class, in the Q&A section I’ll be going through all the submitted questions and offering on-the-spot coaching and answers. See box to left on the webpage? Feel free to submit short clear inquiries there. And finally, for those who are ready to take on their romantic lives as their highest priority, I have room for a couple new clients to work with me one-on-one in custom-coaching sessions. You can email to set that up later.
So here’s a little about me as a basic intro. I’ve been a researcher of love and relationships ever since I was in kinder garden. I was the kid who always diffused conflict on the playground. Even in middle school I would notice the subtle unspoken games and dramas played out between friends in the school yard. I’d come home and share stories with my dad who was always curious about how I felt and encouraged me often to imagine how other’s felt. My dad was a psychiatric nurse and he nurtured my empathy from a very young age.
As I developed my emotional skills through high school, anyone struggling with friends, teachers, family or the guy they had a crush on, instinctively came to me to talk. I intuitively knew what questions to ask and how to help them access a new perspective from their heart.
During university I studied neurology, evolutionary biology, philosophy & cognitive psychology as well as literature –all attempts to further understand the intricate workings of the human psyche. I wanted to know how relationships formed, how they developed and how they broke down. Studying the intricacies of relationships became an unconscious hobby for me.
Before graduating with a degree in Biology & Philosophy I wrote a thesis called “What is Love? An Inquiry into the heart of the matter”. As a conscious Philosopher of Love… I’ve been in this game a long time.
After a 10 year stint in the corporate world as an IT Project Manager, I finally realized the only thing I ever really cared about was helping people connect better with themselves and each other. So 3 years ago, I quit being a consultant and moved to NYC to begin my career as a Love Coach. It was a scary move for me to leave a comfy high paid job and take on being self-employed…but following my calling was one of the best decisions of my life (besides saying yes to my fiancé’s proposal). And it was a crucial part of getting myself ready for the kind of partner I now have. Eben, a widely recognized teacher on personal development, business and marketing is my mentor and my student. If I was still working 9-5 at an office, which always felt inauthentic in my bones, there’s no way I would have had the profound self-esteem required to be a genuine match for my husband-to-be.
Ok, so now you’ve heard a bit of my back-story. Now, let’s move into what you came here to learn.
I said we’re going to talk about how to recognize the man that’s right for you, how to get him into your life, fall in love then eventually marry you.
Inner Work Required
Now before we get into the juice, we have to do a bit of inner work, because unless you’re mentally & emotionally clear on all the issues that block you, you are never going to get a guy to fall in love or marry you. So you have to be willing to roll up your sleeves & get a few crucial things worked out. And it’s not easy work, it’s the basically the work you’ve been avoiding your whole life. We’re all into personal dev and transformation, I know you’ve done workshops and read books and they’re great, they can make a big difference in your life.
But here’s the deal, real live relationships are the most intense workshops that exist. They are the place where you have to dive deep into your shadow work. And that’s why I’m always going on about falling in love and finding true love. Because unless you’re really IN LOVE, like really, then you won’t to be willing to do the massive work required to make the partnership effective. Your romance is where you bump into your biggest, deepest insecurities and fears.
Only true love is strong enough to withstand the uncontrollable urge to run…and if you are using your relationship as part of your self-actualization process, you will want to run many times. The sly rat in your head wants to avoid, elude, run away.
Only true love offers the courage to face your darkest fears. So you see it’s worse than you think, love isn’t about finding your guy, skipping down the street and running off into the sunset. Love is about rolling up your sleeves and getting down to those areas in the basement of your head /heart that you’ve been avoiding looking at for years. Being in love is the hardest work there is, it is not for the cavalier or the faint hearted. It is a gladiator sport.
Ok, so now that I’ve sufficiently scared you:
Here are some of the reasons why you may not have found love or marriage yet…
I’ll go through these real quick, listen for which statement applies to you:
- you think the world owes it to you to have love and marriage
- you think cuz you’re pretty & sweet & smart it’s enough to get a guy
- you treat guys as if they’re more important or less important than you are (both are equally dangerous & produce the same result, ie: guy doesn’t feel met)
- you believe someone should love you ‘just the way you are’ right now and vs. being a ruthless stand for your greatest self
- you want to be rescued –physically, financially, emotionally, intellectually
- you play games, ie: you don’t tell them the truth about what you’re really feeling or wanting, then get mad when he doesn’t know how to please you
- you’re riddled by shame, fear & hopelessness, you don’t really believe in true love, it’s just a fantasy or fairytale that doesn’t exist
- you are deeply terrified of intimacy but act as if you’re totally ready to bare your heart and risk everything for love
- you are desperately attached to being married with kids by a certain date and that clock is ticking, love is a tick-box
- you feel you’re getting older & running out of time, so you’ll take the best guy you find to slot into your ‘husband’ role, ‘good enough’
- you’re mostly looking for someone who’d be willing to father your kids and provide you a comfy nest
- you’re unwilling to look at your own patterns that interfere with intimacy and keep all your relationships back from success
- you blame all your failed relationships on the other person
- you fear rejection more than you want love
- you’re afraid of sex and have loads of shame around it
- you have it that you need someone, rather than want someone, no choice or freedom around it, desperation mode
- you’re too masculine and guys don’t want to compete for that role, they want to be with a woman with nurturing feminine prowess
- you’re afraid of your feelings and you don’t share them with others
- you’re addicted to control and you don’t want real partnership, you say you do but secretly, you want to have a little more power than he does
- you’ve forgotten you are a goddess, a creatrix and a high priestess of love, if you don’t know you are a Queen, you’ll never find a King
Ok, so those are the unproductive beliefs I’ve had and often find in my clients. We then work through the assumptions, traumas and delusions together until they find a mindset that gets them better results. If any of the above statements resonated for you, pay close attention to what I’m going to be sharing in this class. Because if you don’t get those identified and handled, you will keep doing and saying the same wrong things over and over and might never find your life partner, or worse…you’ll find a good enough guy, maybe even get married, have kids, but you won’t really be in love and the marriage will eventually dwindle. Fights may get worse, one of you may have an affair or ask for a divorce and then you’ll be back in the same boat looking for love in all the wrong places.
I know this sounds harsh, but in my opinion, divorce means you didn’t do your research properly. So don’t settle…every time we settle for good enough food, good enough friends, good enough job, good enough guy, we are stabbing ourselves and killing our life force.
Don’t settle, and here’s the test: if you think maybe you’re settling with your guy, then you are. No one ever looks at the grand canyon and says, it’s good enough. If you’re not wowing daily and in awe with your partner, then you’re probably settling.
I know that’s harsh but I’m being straight up.
So, you want to know how to find your guy, get him to fall in love and then marry you.
First thing, stop being a shy or stuck up bitch. Smile and make eye contact with every guy that your body positively notices in the world. This is not flirting, this is merely saying “hello human”, the way dogs sniff each other on the street, it’s an acknowledgment that you’re both of the same species. Imagine you were in an intergalactic bar in star wars surrounded by weird alien creatures and saw your first human across the room, you’d be running over to say hi, hello human as if they were your only friend. That’s what I’m talking about. If you’re not inherently approachable, guess what, you won’t be approached.
And furthermore, start being assertively receptive. As a woman, your body language is always only ever saying one of two things “Don’t come over here” or “Hello human, I’m a safe place.” Now I get you might not want to look approachable in some contexts, like at a strip bar. But the key is to be conscious of what message you’re giving off with your body language, and call your shots. Guys won’t approach fort knox biatch, but they will approach an ice cream truck playing nice music.
I teach my clients how to be ‘dockable’. Think of yourself as a port on the water, and ask yourself is there space for a ship to dock at me. If not what’s in the way? A busy career? Another man? A sob story told by a victim of circumstances? A set of unproductive beliefs, terrors, shames? Unseen patterns that keep intimacy at bay?
Until your docking station (post) is clear and welcoming, your dream relation-ship simply won’t have a place to dock.
Be The Interviewer
Second thing, once you’ve learned to be ‘approachable’ then you can be picky about who you actually connect with. It’s like interviewing, if you were hiring someone for a job, you would want as many applicants as possible to send in their resume, and then be choosy about who you will talk to or date. Ok, so what should you be looking for in your applicants?
Get clear on what feelings and experiences you want from your romance. Often women I talk to have no idea what they’re looking for. So I recommend they create a character profile, not just a list of the features of their dream guy but all the features of their dream relationship. How do you want feel, think and grow in your relationship? What experience are you looking to have? How will know mow when you have it? If you don’t know what the ‘real thing’ looks and feels like, how do you expect to spot it?
I wrote a list describing my dream guy/relationship 2 years ago, it had 166 items on it…i went super detailed. Now the point of this exercise is NOT to create a spec sheet to match your guy and relationship against. Rather it’s an exercise in discovering your dreams around romance. This list is not supposed to be a feasibility list, it’s a fantasy possibility list. Ask yourself, if I had a magic wand, what would I wish for in my epic romance?
The point is not to go find what’s on the list in the real world, the point is for you to think about, articulate and meet your wildest romantic dreams. It helps you understand yourself better. Most of the time we dream within the constraints of “what’s possible” (given our past, given our status, given our limitations). But I want you to write this list as a visionary, as if it were part of a script for a cartoon fairytale, where there are no rules, where anything is possible. This is called “idealized design”, you start from fantasy and work backwards to observe how it could be made (after-the-fact) instead of starting from current reality and working forward.
Exercise: make your dream partner/dream relationship list, must be over 50 items, otherwise you’re not going granular enough.
Recognizing the ONE
This seems to be the most woo-woo part of the whole romance game. And of all the couples I know who are in love, one of the partners knew the other was the one, pretty quickly. So this might take some honing of your magic muscles. Reality and in particular human beings are holographic, that means information about the whole is contained in each of the individual parts, the way your dna is in each of your cells, yet it has the map for generating your entire body from scratch.
This is important to learn so that you can start understanding who someone is; one conversation tells about who they fundamentally are in the world. Another to say this is “how we do one thing is how we do everything”. This is useful & powerful to know because now you can start looking for patterns of behavior on one level and discern info about someone on many other levels.
When asked “How did you know, he/she was the ONE?” Most couples simply say apologetically, “You just know”…this always frustrated me. So I came up with a 3 – PART LITMUS TEST for True Love for myself. See if it is useful for you…
3 Things to Consider
1) You can easily imagine him as the best father for your kids
2) Your deepest, darkest fears pop into your mind either when you’re really connected or mid-conflict
3) You know you would stay with him forever, as is. Because only he can stretch you into the highest version of yourself.
Getting him to FALL
How do you create an epic love affair?
In my story, I walked into a dusty tent at Burning Man looking for my friends and saw this guy talking at the front of the room. I felt physical attraction for him instantly and he actually stopped his talk to welcome me in. As I sat down and listened to his bold inspiring ideas communicated with such congruence and wisdom, I felt something unleash in my body -like a giddy uprising of disbelief. After 15 minutes I knew he was the most amazing man I’d ever encountered. Now, back then I wasn’t yet sure whether I could get that guy. But I knew that if I could get him to see me, really see me. He’d agree that we were a perfect match. It took me 4 months to do this.
How did I do this?
Well first, I surrendered to my affection. I let it rise up and be acknowledged in me, I let myself feel it, fully. I even let myself dream and fantasize and imagine a future with him. And that’s a mildly terrifying feat, because if I allowed myself to feel this feeling of “he’s the one” and it didn’t work out, I would be screwed up & heart broken. But… I knew I had to own the love in me before I could ever or generate it in him.
Next you have to TAKE CHARGE & GO AFTER WHAT YOU WANT
I once learned something from a teacher at a workshop that shifted my relationship to love. He took me into his office and said: “Annie, if you ever see a man that you really want, you must go after him, relentlessly. And you will get him.” Those words never left me.
After Burning Man I became proactive in my communication with Eben. I had his email and I started writing him. I love writing, and I;m good at it, so it was a perfect medium for wooing. Each email was a holographic transmission of who I was as a human, as a woman, as a potential mate.
They were a little flirty, but not excessive, I simply wanted him to know I was fascinated by him.
Eventually an opportunity arose for me to go visit him in L.A, where he lived. And I did. At his apt I saw ALL his books, and realized many of them were the same books I had on my bookshelf. After that I was even surer we would be an amazing couple. The books we read are not mainstream; the similarity of interests was unreal.
I used that visit to further convey my unique brand of being and my appreciation of his. I was assertively receptive to him, but not desperate. I let him know I liked him and that I was intrigued by the possibility of a relationship with him. At dinner one night I straight up said, “I‘d like to come back to see you in LA in next month and spend more time with you. In fact I’d really like to explore creating an amazing relationship that nourished both of us.”
That was not easy BTW, it took a lot of bravery to say that. I knew he was dating other women and that he wasn’t looking to stop that. So asserting my interest in a relationship was a bold audacious move and I remember holding my breath as I said it, mild panic inside. But I knew what I was saying was true and I knew I would have to lead this dance, so I dug in and found the courage.
He seemed beguiled at my assertiveness, and so I went back to visit him a couple months later and halfway during that trip is when he actually fell in love. It all happened in one night and it was on the back of strange adventure with another woman he was dating who joined us for dinner. I deduced from his behavior that he was more into her than he was into me and my heart fell through the floor. All my dreams came crashing down. So I had to let go of my attachment to him as my one true soul mate and surrender to what was so.
In other words I had to totally lose hope about being with him before the dynamic began to shift. Only after being inside that dilemma, did I realize that I still wanted him in my life regardless, even if it was just as a friend. Whether he wanted me as a partner or not, didn’t change my love for him one bit. Many people take their love away if they don’t feel their affection reciprocated. Real love doesn’t look like this. Real love, is I love you no matter what.
This was a key turning point in our dynamic. Only when I let go completely of the dream, did the doors actually open for us to actually open our hearts, see each other and eventually be together. It was like magic.
So Eben didn’t actually fall in love until I opened my heart and let him see my fear, my pain, my wide eyed vulnerability. Up until that moment, he thought I was a cool smart chic but not a real live quivering woman with an epic heart, and that’s what got him…my heart not my head. I’d been trying to be smart to get him to fall in love, but it was my fallible heart that had him finally feel me and recognize me as his mate. Funny that.
Lessons To Share
I learned a lot from that experience and I can’t go into every detail here but I will summarize the lessons I took away: in order to get the guy to fall in love with you and commit, he has to experience the following things:
-you as THE safest place for him to go, your arms, your eyes, your lap, those have to be a refuge for him. It’s a big scary world out there, and if he doesn’t feel safe in your presence, he will never build a life there…in fact if you become (for real, can’t fake it!) the safest place on the planet for him, he will never leave you. You will continue to win over every other woman and regardless of where his eyes wander, he will always come back home to you…
-he wants to feel like a hero, which requires you to surrender to his strengths, wherever they are. Men want to feel trusted, which means you have to learn to trust him. And trust is not earned it can only be granted. Don’t let your egoic desire to be his equal, get in the way of leaning on him or allowing his contribution to you. Letting him help you solve your problem nourishes the relationship.
-he wants to feel praised, NOT criticized, attacked or put down (reward good, ignore bad behavior ), what you put attention on grows, good or bad attention. One metaphor I really like is hockey vs. curling. In the hockey, you use a stick to push and pull the puck across the ice. In curling, you never push or pull the puck, you merely sweep and smooth the ice out in front of the puck, encouraging it to go in certain desirable directions. It is never forced, only invited forward. This is the feminine way to persuade, use the curling technique, seduce rather than coerce. It works much better with men.
-he wants to feel supported and inspired towards his highest dreams. To love someone is to love their dreams…our dreams are what define us. Become keeper and guardian of his dreams and provide whatever you can to be the wind beneath his wings.
-he wants to have a great sex life. You want to be developing yourself and your sexuality so that you and him can have an open-minded, exciting adventurous sex life. Sex is why we’re all here (our ancestors were good at f*cking!) Don’t downplay its importance. I work with many couples and the single biggest litmus test that the relationship is not working is if their sex life is off. Sex makes or breaks relationships. Like food, it’s not a luxury, it’s a staple and must be made a priority. If you want a guy to choose you to sleep with for the rest of his entire life, you gotta first learn to enjoy sex and be open to constantly re-inventing your sexuality together. Most of my clients have a lot of shame around sex, it’s a big part of the work I do. But unless those issues are handles, they will haunt your relationship forever.
-learn the art of fighting. Men don’t like drama, they want peace and they want to know that once a fight is over it doesn’t come back to visit again and again and again. Most people don’t have a clue how to resolve recurring conflict so that it actually creates more intimacy rather than less.
Fights are unavoidable and so the trick is to get good at them, learn how to prevent them from escalating out of control and how to bounce back from them quickly. This is big part of what I teach couples. How to consciously use conflict to learn about each other and generate more intimacy than was available before the fight.
-make him feel like a king, adore him, revere him, praise praise praise. Men need and hunger for genuine praise, they want to be acknowledged, for specific things and in public of possible. Affirmation is fundamental to guys, they all secretly want to be admired. It’s part of our inner chimp wiring, males seek status and they feel high status when they’re admired.
If you actually do admire something in him, make transparent that truth. And notice how your ego holds you back from saying these things as an attempt to maintain leverage & power. Power is not the currency of true love, transparency is…INTO ME SEE. It’s a different game.
-open your heart and share your fears, pain, dreams with him, show him your humanity. He is looking for a place where all his emotions are safe to land, if you cannot be with your own emotions, you definately won’t be able to be with his. This is what got Eben to finally recognize me. For any relationship to really work, you have to get good at ‘feeling’ (not thinking what you feel but actually feeling it in your body, in your somatic space)…this is a skill that can be learned & honed. It is the single most powerful tool for moving through difficult emotional states…many men don’t know how to feel and they’re looking to their women to teach them. So you gotta become good, especially if you want to someday be a mom.
Ok so the exercise for this section, on how to get him to fall in love and choose you above all others:
Become a researcher…you’ve got to learn how good you are at these different skills and you won’t know the answer yourself…you’ll have it ask someone else. For those who are super serious about learning where they need extra work, I’d recommend calling the last 2 guys you were romantically involved with and having a little interview.
Ask them, of all the skills I mentioned, which they thought you were good at and which you could polish up, here’s a quick list: providing safety, letting him be hero, avoiding criticism, giving inspiration, developing your sex, mastering conflict, offering praise, cultivating feeling expression.
And if that’s too edgy for you, ask your friends and see what feedback they give you. Make sure whoever you talk to, let them know that they are safe to tell you their truth and that you won’t hold a grudge. Let them know you really want to know how you can improve your ability to love a man. If your genuine commitment to develop shines through, they will only want to contribute to your growth.
Now onto the final piece, How Do You Get Him to Marry You? How do you get him to actually ask you to be his wife?
Ok, this is where I get a bit unconventional…so be prepared to hear some new ideas.
Truth is…the way to get married, is to not need to be married at all. Until you realize that a marriage, the ceremony or legal paper is just a decoration and that true marriage is a collaborative decision you make inside your heads & hearts, you will be forever chasing after the wrong thing.
Here’s the deal, in order to get married…forget about marriage. Worry about falling in love, and getting that right. That’s the most important part of the game. Being in love is very different than being married. Many, many people are married out there yet are nowhere near being in love. Be careful what you wish for.
I get women clients all the time saying: I want to get married by the end of the year, I wanna have a family with 2 kids and house etc etc. And all I can think is, lady you’re going to get exactly what you’re asking for…you’ll get married to some guy and have kids cuz the universe gives you exactly what you ask for…so be careful with your words. I have many clients that ‘already married’ and they’re coming to me, because they don’t feel in love.
Pursuing marriage will just get you marriage. It might seem obvious that being married means being in love. But it’s just not true. If you really want love, but your words don’t reflect that…that small oversight is very telling and creates a future you may not really want. It indicates that the woman is focused on the wrong thing. And here’s an insider scoop…if your guy isn’t willing or wanting to be married to you, yet, then it’s because something about your love relationship is not yet feeling fully nourishing to him. It’s hard to swallow, but I learned this first hand.
Eben wasn’t at all interested in marriage when we first fell in love. He said let’s put that conversation on the shelf for a year and I did. I just focused on making this relationship the best one either of us could ever dream of having. And after a year when the topic came up, I saw that he wasn’t yet willing to go to that next step. I clearly represented my desire to get married but never made it an issue. He knew whether we got married or not, I would never leave his side.
But I knew something was having him hesitate…I didn’t bother trying to push him into it, or pressure the outcome I wanted, I knew that would only backfire. So we systematically went through everything in our relationship that wasn’t working as well as it could and we tackled them one by one together.
And there was a moment a while back where I saw everything around marriage finally click into place, he started talking about marriage and a wedding and kids and I realized what ever was previously holding him back had now disappeared. He finally trusted me and knew that I wasn’t looking for a husband, I was looking for love. Marriage was a decoration I liked but didn’t need.
So many women are looking for a ‘husband’ as if any man wiling to marry her will do. And more often than not, these women make no mention of being in love…it’s like a husband is a slot to be filled in, a tick-boxed to be ticked. Well guys can smell that. It’s the smell of the husband-hunter and they want no part of it.
A man doesn’t want to be your husband, he wants to be your highest priority, higher than your need to be married. Let me repeat that, he wants to be Higher than your need to be married.
If being married is more important than being with the man you love whether he marries you or not, then I invite you to take a look at your priorities.
Pressure doesn’t work. Even if it gets the result, ie; he marries you, he will silently resent the pressure and a part of you will always know you pressured him into it, and you’ll never be sure he really freely chose you as his wife. This seeds all kinds of insecurities. Just like when you have to beg for a hug, it doesn’t feel believable.
So, my advice….no pressuring, no cornering, no coercion, no leveraging. This is a weak game and will never fulfill you.
I see women, giving their men ultimatums…”if you don’t ask me to marry you by this date, then I’ll leave, break-up, etc”. I think that’s crazy…and what’s more, it’s tyrannical. What that’s saying, is that being married is more important than being with him. If that’s true why should he want to marry you?
Ultimatums guised or explicit are not love, they are manipulations to get an outcome you want. It is not the mark of partnership. If you have to corner someone into marrying you, why would you want that marriage? That’s not partnership, that’s dictatorship.
The feminine way is to create yourself as the most eligible life partner and wife possible. It’s a matter of seduction not coercion. Remember the technique of curling vs. hockey.
It’s important that you represent your desires to your guy, be honest about what you want But make them in the form of requests and expressions, not leveraged, control tactics set on doing whatever it takes to get what you want.
I told Eben I wanted to be married; it was a pure, unjustified desire that I communicated clearly. But I never made our love or relationship contingent on it.
When a guy knows you love him no matter what and you share your deepest desires, he is always looking for a way to fulfill those desires. If he knows you want marriage but he isn’t offering it, then there’s got to be something still not quite right that’s holding him back. And it might be your attachment to marriage itself. Can you let go of that? Would you be willing to trade in marriage for love? Would you stay with him whether he married you or not?
Once you let go of something as a must, the universe starts offering it up for free. Try easier, lean back…and let it all fall into your lap.
So in summary, when you find your true love and you have the relationship you want and you are truly willing to do whatever it takes to make that relationship magical and beautiful and mutually fulfilling. Then, and only then does marriage naturally emerge, on it’s own. And often when you least expect it.
Like a garden rose blooming from a bud, you can’t rush it, it has it’s own perfect pace and no amount of nudging can make it bloom faster. All you can do is water it and make sure it’s in the sun and let nature take it’s course. Similarly, you can’t push the river any faster than it’s going. You can try, but you’re wasting your energy. Be your most amazing, self, love without conditions, and then let things unfold at their own pace.
So if you want to get married?
Just Love him. Love him better than he ever dreamed was possible. Learn about him, understand him -his needs, his fears, his hopes and his dreams. Become an expert in what’s important to him AND THEN bring your purest desires and your wants and your feelings without pressure or expectation and lay them at his feet. I guarantee you, his arms will open so wide he will lasso the moon for you. He will do anything for you, anything.
But you have to surrender to love first. Surrender so completely that it can feel like you are dying. And you are, you are dying into something greater, something beyond this level. Love demands that you give everything over to it. And if you do, you get more from it than you could have imagined. This requires faith.
When you believe in love and you surrender to it, he will surrender to you. And you will become the epitome of woman to him. He will worship you. And from that place anything either of you could ever want is possible, I really believe that.
So how do you surrender?
Well, it starts with being honest -about what you’re feeling, and sharing that with your partner. Like anthropologist reporting on chimps in the wild. Start telling him 1 out of every three things you think but don’t normally share. You can start with easy things, like “I didn’t brush my teeth today” or “I just gave the evil eye to the waiter before you showed up”
The more advanced move is to start telling him something you feel shame around. IMHO, shame, hidden shame, is the primary constraint to intimacy. And shame’s oxygen is secrecy. It needs secrecy and darkness to survive. So when you reveal a secret or a fear, to anyone, you rob it of it’s power. The more light shining on a part of you that’s afraid or ashamed the more that fear/shame dissolves. If you can start expressing your fears & shames with your partner, you will be on the yellow brick road to creating real lasting love.
Remember the 3-part true love test, I use:
1) Can you see him as father of kids
2) Your deepest shadow pops up when you’re very connected or in conflict with him
3) You would stay with him as is, because you see him access to your highest self
To the extant that you can share that dark shadow that pops up, he will trust you and he will start sharing his darkest parts. And that’s when the real love begins. Because to love someone is to love them as a whole, including all their parts even their ugliest most shameful parts. This is what me mean when we say we want to be loved exactly as we are, NO MATTER WHAT.
And when a man feels like you love his darkest, most unsavory parts only then will he believe in your love. And only then should he believe in your love.
As you turn it around, you’ll see that until you know he sees and loves your darkest most shameful parts, you won’t believe he really loves you either.
SO if one of has to go first, let it be you.
There are many ways in which this is a man’s world, but when it comes to love, we are the leaders. We are the high priestesses that create love and create life.
So it’s very important as a woman you take on learning these skills I’ve talked about and mastering them. As I said Love is gladiator sport and you need to be prepared to fight for it, fight through all obstacles including your own demons. And for that you might need support and that’s why I started doing the work I do.
Now you might be listening to all this stuff I’ve been saying yet be unable to apply it in your life. If you feel stuck like that and really want to solve it, I invite you to send me an email telling me a little about your situation. As of right now my practice is basically full but I usually have room for 1 or 2 new clients. So If you really serious about finding Mr. right and getting him to fall in love with you, send me an email and I’ll we’ll set up a strategy call next week.
Ok, now I’m going to open it up for Q &A and get some dialogue going. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say.
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